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This is another real clients journey which is still on going, we have not
altered her comments at all.
updated - 10 October 2010
Saturday 25th September
Arrived at the hotel ~ which was a bit of a nightmare and I was taken from arriving with plenty of time to spare to almost running late! Only to find out later I had been on top of the hotel and it's huge car park twice.
The first session was introductory and I have to be honest I felt a bit cynical about it! I did actually say to Adrian ~ if it works do I really want to admit to being that susceptible. Plus I really didn't think I could be hypnotised.
Listening to Adrian's iPhone part of me felt slightly fraudulent in that I could hear his voice and the music and the waves rushing to the shore but I felt that it was slightly ridiculous because at any given time I could just open my eyes and walk out! But I carried on, until the moment when the crashing thought entered my head that "OMG I haven't shaved my legs". Here I was lying on a chair legs up and people could see my hairy legs.
So in my head right now are my hairy legs ~ Adrian's voice, the gentle music and the waves on the shore! I'm so confused!!
But I didn't get up and walk out I stayed there.
When that session had finished Adrian asked how we felt ~ I think I was the only one who hadn't felt anything but who knows!
We broke for a very delicious lunch ~ just what a fat burd needs chips and a cream dessert lol. Oh it was delicious!!
Then I decided to move the car from the public car park to the hotel car park! ERRRMMM Fat burds shouldn't rush and fat burds who have just had lunch should rush even less!!! Got to the car park only to discover I couldn't find my car! Not only could I not find my car I couldn't find the FLOOR I'd parked on! Yes! A whole car park floor had disappeared between me parking and coming back! I was upstairs I was downstairs (I was having a heart attack!) Eventually I found an attendant who told me it WAS upstairs. So off I go! Nope! AHA!!! Says attendant they are half floors you have to go up the ramp ~ look there's your floor! Oh thank G~d!
Get in car then rush to hotel. Then run (Yes people it was a case of Run Fat Burd Run!!) to the hotel and up the stairs into the room! Never a handsome paramedic when you need one! Luckily even though I was a tad late ~~ so was Adrian so composure was able to be returned!!
But I must have done my 5 minute walk for the next 5 weeks Adrian lol
Ok this session is all about what we'd like to achieve. This I found VERY emotional ~ much more than I thought and much to my chagrin I cried! I didn't think that would happen. But my goal ~ apart from losing weight is to find acceptance in myself for who I am. I've spent my whole life hiding in this fat body because I wasn't good enough as the underweight child I was. Tired of fighting for attention or my estranged fathers love I hid to be invisible.
As time went on this was who I was (the thin child was still inside but protected from anything that could hurt her!)
People know me as a great person to be around, I could even be around men without too much pain. The fat absorbed any pain.
Until the day that someone got under that wall and loved me! It was so lovely and special to be the special person for someone and I allowed myself to believe and fell. I fell really hard.
Then it fell apart and I had nowhere to go. That protection that had built up that had absorbed every hurt and pain was thrown in my face and I wasn't good enough as that person. So I had nowhere to go!
I don't know who I am anymore So! What I'm trying to find in my weight loss is who I am! I want to find the place which is where I am meant to be and accept that that's who I am! Being fat wasn't me and ended up being no protection and being skinny wasn't me so who am I meant to be??
So that's my goal.
In this session when we went under ~ me still being sceptical ~ but acquiescent.
Adrian took us to a fork in a road and one road was easy the road we've always done ~ the other harder the way we need to go to achieve our goals.
We went down the left fork road and we came to a mirror.
Adrian told us to look in the mirror and see ourselves.
Being a person who avoids looking in mirrors this for me was traumatic and I know I cried. My body went all hot and my skin prickled I felt myself go red and all the while I'm thinking I'm glad no one can see this, I know I cried.
I felt shock and disgust and shame that that ugly fat blob in the mirror was me. That's not me ~ it's not who I'm meant to be. Being forced to see yourself as you are can be very hard. It wasn't something I really thought about it didn't stop me doing anything! I couldn't run a marathon but I could walk one! Yes I wished I was thinner and found stairs easier lol, but don't we all!
I've never been singled out as being fat! I've never had bad service in a restaurant or been given a bad table! I think it's partly who you are anyway and because I'm happy that's how I present myself. Even men who have looked askance at me on introduction would come back later and say I don't normally like fat people but you're ok. Errr thanks for that lol.
So for me session 2 was very hard!
That night I had a very bad nights sleep which involved me being stood in front of that bloody mirror looking at myself.
When I told Adrian next day he asked if I had recognised myself or was it just an image! I'd like to say it was an image ~ but no it was me in all my fat ugly blobby ugliness!
I was actually impressed with myself that after dinner on Saturday and upon treating myself to a chocolate martini I then proceeded to throw half of it away! I had as much as I wanted ~ I could have finished it but only because it was there and had cost me a fortune ~ not because I wanted to!
1 point to Adrian! Ya boo!! Lol
Having had breakfast where I didn't have cereal (unheard of for me in an hotel!) I had the most delicious prunes (I need the chefs recipe!) and a full English but it was a sort of half English cos it was minus the sausage (did I want extra bacon ~ no thankyou!) minus the black pudding, and POACHED egg!!!! What is going on here??
Then..It took me ages to eat as without thinking I kept putting my knife and fork down.
By the time I'd finished my breakfast was cold and I was stuffed lol.
1 point to Adrian.
Have to say during this session I didn't really feel any different to the others, still aware of other things as well as Adrian's voice, the gentle music and the waves on the shore ~ but at least I'd shaved my legs on Saturday night! So that wasn't in there!
Every one had different feelings about that session, but I'm glad I wasn't the only one to not feel a tightening sensation!
So we leave and I start the drive home.
On the drive home I got severe stabbing pains in my stomach and at one point these were so painful I nearly pulled over! I told myself I needed the toilet, but it wasn't that sort of pain ~ it was a stabbing in my side! If it was the other side I'd seriously think of changing my name to Jesus and wear a crown of thorns for being a martyr lol.But it was the other side. In the pit of my stomach was a heaviness ~ ok I've got constipation or indigestion. I refuse to give Adrian another point!!
When I got home I realised that having had breakfast at half 8 I must be hungry as it was now nearly 3 pm. So I had a peanut butter sandwich (without the butter I normally spread on the bread as well!), without the bag of crisps and without the diet coke I would normally have too! I had a .....banana!!
Then child 1 gave me the choice of a big bar of choc or a box of chocs he'd brought back from his school trip! I chose the bar ~ broke a section off and gave it back to him ~ much to his joy! I took half of the piece I had and started eating it! It was nice as only Belgian chocolate can be! I realised that I didn't even want what I had taken so threw the other half of my piece back onto the bar. I finshed the piece I was eating but realised I really didn't want it! Grrrr!!!
1 point to Adrian! (this is getting tiresome!)
Dinner ~ I decided I was going to splurge! Hhhmmm yep I splurged I had sliced tomato with mozzarella cheese drizzled with balsamic vinegar and a dash of olive oil. A slice of bread to mop up the yummy juice!
Child 2 thought it looked so nice although having already had his dinner he made the same for himself!
I ate it all except for the bread which I only used to mop the juice! Once that was mopped I threw the bread away! I followed this with a yoghurt!!
1 point to Adrian (grrrr!!!)
Was in bed at 9.30 not a good night but not as bad as Saturday.
Got boys up, dropped off and went straight to the gym as is my usual routine! Got home and made my breakfast! Which is normally toast and butter with jam maybe a couple of biscuits to go with my coffee?
Today I had weetabix with a tiny sprinkle of sugar and I didn't drown them in milk I just taught them to swim! My coffee, I did still put my sugar in (small steps Adrian small steps lol).
1 point to Adrian ? hmmm lol
I can't say I feel a band yet! But there is a definite feeling of fullness there that has been there since the stabbing pains.
My gym has been lovely ~ have asked if I need them to do anything to help! I said nothing really just if I seem to be slacking whip me (well not whip as I might enjoy it too much!) just admonish me to get me back to work and stop slacking!
I hope I'm on the road that forks to the right ~ it's baby steps at the minute so I will just keep up the work and hopefully it will get easier and I will feel less emotional about things as it settles into being "normal".
Just had lunch. A Peanut butter sandwich with a glass of juice that I diluted with water, I've always thought this juice was very thick anyway! I also had a banana! I'm full more full than normal actually a bit nauseous ~ I didn't have the usual packet of crisps and I didn't have a diet coke.
I'm doing roast lamb for dinner so we'll see how that goes.
Not giving another point to Adrian just yet lol.
Dinner was also an eye opener! I had roast lamb, roast potatoes Yorkshires and cauliflower. Now I probably had about the same amount of meat as usual, but the potatoes definitely less ( and no bigger than marbles! Honestly! I only had one Yorkshire pud, (they were small too by anyones standards!).
I did eat it all cos it was soooo scrummy but I know the whole plateful was smaller than normal. Child 2 had left some meat on his plate and normally I would finish it off! To be brutally honest I did take a bite and only a bite and threw the rest away!
1 point to Adrian (That's unheard of!)
Had no diet coke again today ~ head still hurting but less.
No snacking in the evening at all except for a yoghurt for dessert.
Again had Weetabix for breakfast and a coffee I did put less sugar in , small steps Adrian small steps!
Haven't really missed the snacking to be honest, or surprisingly enough the diet coke! That really surprises me because I've gone from about 3 / 4 cans a day to none. Woke up with a banging headache but that was gone after a while.
No snacks so far.
Had lunch ~ again it was a peanut butter sandwich ~ mainly to use it up lol. 3 glasses of water so far and I had a yoghurt too.
Going out for dinner with friends tonight but I've already chosen what I want ~ unless the menu changes when I get there!
Going to go for a starter and main and I know I'm bypassing dessert cos theres nothing I really want, a couple I would normally have just to have but I know already I don't actually want one and to have it would be a waste.
1 point to Adrian,
He really deserves that point cos that would never ever have crossed my mind before or only fleetingly whilst I was getting bloated from eating it lol.
I miss my diet coke!! Actually that's a lie I don't really. (Beginning to dislike Adrian intensely!!!!)
Well am back from dinner! It went very well! I drank sparkling water all night ~ normally it's about 3 glasses of diet coke.
I had a starter ~ warm goats cheese and beetroot salad, and my main was beef and greens on pureed celeriac. Plus point ~~ I left some! I nearly didn't cos it was so yummy but I know I was full and to finish it would have been sheer greed and not hunger! No dessert and no coffee.
So all in all I'm very pleased with myself in spite of my blip earlier when making dinner for everyone else! But who can resist the allure of mashed potatoes when they're all hot and buttery, and mashed swede and haggis. Oh I didn't go mad ~ just a taster I was good in spite of being naughty! All in all a good day
1 Point to Adrian.
Went to the gym as normal after dropping everyone at the station. Had a good workout.
Had Weetabix for breakfast and noticed that if you sprinkle the sugar from a height you cover the biscuits with a lot less sugar! So instead of using a whole teaspoon per biscuit I used a half of a teaspoon on both. How cool is that? It did taste less sweet but not in an horrendous I must have more sugar sort of way!
Still had the sugar in my coffee but smaller spoonfuls lol and as I'm not really having extra sugar anywhere else I'm not going to crucify myself.
Making sweetcorn and chicken soup for dinner and when I went in the cupboard to get the tin of creamed sweetcorn I did nibble at a biscuit! The packet was open and the wrapper pulled back so I could SEEEE them lol. I did have some but it was less than half and then I walked out of the cupboard leaving the rest of the biscuit there! So that's a win situation because normally I would have had one whilst looking in the cupboard and taken at least one when I left the cupboard!
1 point to Adrian (getting a bit tedious really all of these points to Adrian.
I feel I do have to say this before I forget and that is if it's this easy why didn't I do it before? Why couldn't I control it before? Why did I let it get so far out of hand? That is shameful really that I let it get so bad, I feel that whatever the reasons I had at the time just weren't real. It upsets me greatly when I see that image I have now in my head of my reflection in the mirror and I won't lie it still hurts and I cry everyday that that is me!
When you are really forced to confront what you actually are it's really hard! Yes I knew I was huuuge by the clothes I was wearing but I never actually pictured my real self! I think my personality actually staved of the reality of ME! Because I'm always fairly cheerful, up for a laugh I don't get stick for being fat!
Thank G~d for my friends who on Saturday when I was telling them how I felt about my self image ~ took me in hand and told me they'd never ever thought of me as a big fat ugly blob and that the only reason they have ever wanted me to lose weight was that A) I'd be around longer cos they loved me. B) That we could go shopping in the same shops and C) that I would have a better life in myself.
Thankyou all my wonderful friends
Points to Adrian numerous, unlimited!
Oh right now as I'm writing this I'm getting emotional, and I'm sure I will continue to be for some time.
I do have to say that in all honesty my weight has never been an issue for me in terms of service in restaurants ( I may have said that already I don't know! I'm just writing as I feel!) I have even had waiters who have cut 2 portions in half as I couldn't choose between desserts and have given me a bit of each! I've never been insulted (unless you count the Chav in the 4by4 who had blocked me in by double parking next to my car! When I got in my car and said (not loudly but the car window was open!) that they had s*&t for brains she took umbrage exclaiming "Who the F* d'you think you are? fat cow!" ~~ My reply ~ I'm the fat cow with a parking space miss s*&t for brains!. Lot of spluttering from inside her car, but nothing more she could say lol).
Lunch was my usual, peanut butter sandwich followed by a yoghurt. The jar is now finished which I am pleased about. I don't know why it was important to me to finish the jar but it was now I can get into another of my loves ~ tomato and mozzarella cheese with balsamic vinegar! Yummy!! Roll on tomorrow lunch! Lol It's a sad life I have lol.
I did have a banana mid afternoon and it was more ripe than I normally have them so it would be inclined to be a bit sweet but I found it so sweet I was almost gagging! I managed to fight the gag to finish it lol, actually I did throw some away, not a lot but a bit!
Think I need to avoid sweet altogether as that made me really snacky and I wanted crisps and STUFF!! Oooohh don't you just love stuff? But I was very good and avoided giving in.
Dinner was home made Chinese style chicken and sweetcorn soup delicious, I had a relatively small bowl compared to the others and I did have 4 small pork wonton scrumpyducious!! If I say so myself!! Everybody ate every drop and there's a bit left over! So that might be lunch who knows!
Finished the night with a dish of yoghurt!
First off I have to say when does the water output level off Adrian cos right now I'm like an old man with a dodgy prostate in the night!!. Beginning to think I'm going to have to re~potty train myself ~ no drinks for an hour before bedtime! Flaming Nora!
Talk about Niagra Falls! Certainly does!
Right got that off my chest!
Went to the gym as usual and did my workout. Then I hopped onto the scales to see what I weighed! Couldn't see if I'd lost any as I hadn't weighed myself before the hypno. But what I did was get the girls at the gym to look at my notes and see if I was round about the same or heavier etc. Now bearing in mind it's about a year since I was good at dieting and was weighed I am now 8lbs lighter. I'm not going to say this is what I've lost but I've lost some because as we know people we don't lose weight when we stop dieting and start eating fatty food and drinking alcohol do we?
Oh Aunty Mary I miss you so ~ in the glass full of tinkling ice topped with diet Coke (of course we all know that using diet drinks as mixers takes away all the alcohol calories rendering the drink harmless! Just like broken biscuits have no calories cos they escape as the biscuit breaks!)
So here I am 8lbs lighter but how much since the weekend is unknown another reading will be taken in a couple of weeks maybe!
Now this afternoon is going to be a bit hard ~ mainly cos it's a bday and I'm making a cake. Now I'm not a lover of cake so once it's cooked it won't be a problem to resist but!!!! ...Oh that cake mixture waiting to be poured into the tins all sweet and creamy and oooooooohhhh STOP!! Makes me think of a Meatloaf song lol "Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Do you love me?" NOOOO it's cake mixture it doesn't love it just goes on your hips! But it's soooo yummy and scrummy and ....watch this space I'm not sure I can resist!
In the words of Oscar Wilde "I can resist anything but temptation!"
Temptation ? Cake mixture is flipping torture mate!
Anyway we shall see how Battle for the Bulge ends later!
Lunch oh yes mundane things like lunch ~ I did have my mozzarella and tomato with balsamic vinegar! It was lush and I had 4 Carrs melts crackers (instead of the bread I had the other day!) I figure it will work out as the mozzarella was half fat! Half fat for me used to mean I could eat twice as much lol
Oh those discs had better arrive soon! I'm impressed with how good I'm being!
Right I'm off to make a cake ........will she survive? Will she give in? Anything can happen in the next half hour (don't you just love Stingray, they knew what could happen in a kitchen!). I'm going in I may be some time...
You can tell I'm procrastinating can't you? Putting off that evil moment ...oh shucks just do it fool!!
The cake is in the oven ~ must be the quickest cake made ever! Mrs Crocker? Why do your cakes have to be so yummy before they're cooked? Ok I give in I caved! BUT rather than starting off with 3 tier cake and ending up with a 2 tier cake as is my norm I had 3 spoonfuls of the mixture (No they were NOT jam preserving spoons!)they were dessert spoons! Nearly pulled my tongue off licking the whisk clean ~ forgot to turn the power off! I jest I popped the whisks straight into the sink and the bowl quickly followed to be squired with washing up liquid (I'm sure I could develop a liking for washing up liquid ~ wonder how many calories it has? Hhhmm fat content? Let's not go there! Now just be patient til it's cooked! No I can't open the oven door ~ there's only one thing worse than raw cake mixture and that's half cooked cake mixture, the children have got used to cakes that have a cave on the top! Surely you know what Batman cake looks like?
I am not overweight I am under tall, if I was 13 ft 7 ins I'd be perfect!!!
The cake is done and iced! You should see this cake it's the Taj Mahal of cakes it's enormous!! Strange but true! It's amazing how big this cake is when you don't eat half of the mixture before you bake it!! Could I say in my defence I was probably only having my (un) fair share as I don't eat it when it's cooked! (Mine and about 3 other peoples!!)
Dinner today was stir fried squid and noodles, Number 1 likes squid although I've never cooked it before so it was a bit trial and error! It was ok I made a lovely spicy sauce that I added to the noodles and then dropped the squid into it so that it could cook. I had mine in a bowl so that it looked more and it was a fairly small portion.
I did have some cake but only to say "happy Birthday" it was the teeniest tiny slice and not even a full slice just a bit off the corner. A pretty good day all told.
Friday 1st October
I Didn't go the the gym today due to driving number 2 to school and then going straight to do the shopping. Tesco is only acceptable when you go early. Being the first shop I have done since being "done" I wasn't sure if it would affect my shopping habits! Surprisingly it did. my choices were a lot healthier and I didn't buy any coke as we haven't finished last weeks but I did buy extra sparkling water.
I did cave in a bit in the distressed section and bought a piece of pork pie. I don't know why because I hate pork pie, but it went into the trolley.
I bought Greek yoghurt but made the "light" choice! Haven't tasted it yet so not prepared to give Adrian a point for that one! YET!! Lol.
Nothing more untoward went into the trolley so it was a good trip really.
Upon getting home when I unpacked the shopping I did actually eat some of the pork pie. I probably had about half of the small piece I'd bought. I didn't eat all of the pastry on the piece I took I threw it away and when I felt I'd had enough pie I threw the rest of it in the bin just in case I was tempted to come back to it.
Now I'm being hormonally challenged at the moment and it is normally a very intense chocolate time, so I figure a bit of pork pie is ok lol. I did have a Carrs cheese melt cracker as well but I put the whole thing down as breakfast!
I thought eating might be harder today as number 1 had a day off school but as he didn't surface until half past 10 it wasn't too bad. He had bratwurst sausage in soft fresh baked rolls and I was very good I had (half fat yes HALF fat!!) mozzarella cheese, tomato and balsamic vinegar! I have decided that the olive oil doesn't really add anything so I've just been using the vinegar. I also used one of the fresh soft baked rolls, but I only used half of the roll. I found it harder to have the water today I don't know why.
As it is Friday which is normally kebab night I decided that I would have a kebab. So down to the shop I go and order number 1s burger, when it came to mine (normal order a mixed kebab of a small shish and chicken shish combo, no bread and if I'm being really piggy a tiny bit of donna meat (never a huge amount ~ don't want to get fat!) I asked for a small chicken shish with no bread, we did have chips (normal order 1 large between 2 of us or 2 between 3 of us!) but I asked for 1 regular. We've always shared the chips as the portions are large. I was very good I had about a third of the portion whilst number 1 had the rest!
It was more than enough for me and strangely enough I actually enjoyed it more because I was actually tasting what I was eating rather than just eating and getting really stuffed.
The funny thing is that the man in the kebab shop thinks I'm ill because I only had a small one! "Are you sure you're alright darling ~ this is not your usual! You want I put some donna on it? You're sure? A tiny bit I won't charge you?!" Bless ~ he did give me 4 tomatoes so maybe he still fancies me ~ although thinking about it I didn't get any cucumber!
I think what the hypnotherapy is actually allowing me to do is relearn my eating skills. I'm rethinking my relationship with food.
As Adrian said on Saturday it takes a lot of coercion to make a child overweight and then an overweight adult. I was never an overweight child, but I do have a flawed relationship with food. Having used it as protection it then become Karma to my moods. Happy ~ eat, sad ~ eat, upset ~ eat, hormonal ~ eat, in the cupboard ~ pick!
1 point to Adrian , he deserves this one cos I do love Friday night kebabs lol.
Well I was up fairly early to go to Ikea to pick up a new tv cabinet so left without having breakfast. Probably a mistake as on the way out of Ikea I gave in to the Ikea hot dog urge! I don't go to Ikea very often and I'm not a huge fan of hot dogs but it's just something that has to be done when you do go to Ikea.
Now I'm not sure if it's me (shame on you Adrian!!!) or if they have actually changed the recipe of their hotdogs but it wasn't very good! Maybe it was guilt lol.
Get the dog and I can't find the ketchup, so ask a man where it is, I couldn't see where he was telling me where to go ~ eventually he walked me to the ketchup bench I should apologise to this man and tell him that I pick up the guide dog this week!
OMG it's been so long but I don't remember it being that bad! I did finish it but threw the bread away! In hindsight a better choice may have been keep the bread and throw the dog lol. I was so bloated for hours afterwards ~ not good! Will I have one next time? Oh probably lol but maybe only half of it lol.
I also went into the little shop they have normal purchases would be jars of lingonberry jam etc. But I was very good, 1 jar of pickled herrings, 1 packet of crackers and 1 dime bar tart! Oh and 2 rolls of the chocolate discs (for the children of course!)
The dog was my breakfast, and I had some of the herrings for lunch followed by a tiny piece of tart! (Well it defrosted on the way home and couldn't be refrozen!). This was followed by a guilt trip (thanks a bunch Adrian!) upon reading that an 1 /8 th of the tart is 220 calories I did the unusual trick of cutting the cake and I was very honest I didn't take my piece out of the equation I added it back in to discover I'd had about a half a portion (Seeeeee I wasn't a pig!). I ate the other half. But I figure I'm not being half as bad as normal. That tart would normal just have been cut into 4 or 5 pieces so to actually portioning it into 8 as opposed to the 6 or 8 portions it says on the box is very good.
Lunch was some of the pickled herring and 2 crackers with butter thinly smeared instead of thickly spread (boohoo!) but it wasn't deliberately done at all I wish I'd had to think of it!
Disc finally arrived so I listened to that in the afternoon.
Dinner , I was company keeping my friends daughter and she cooked!
Oh the joy of 15 yr old girls to compared 15 yr old boys if I was waiting for mine to cook I'd starve (! Not true actually number 2 is a very good cook and he did last years Christmas lunch!, just takes a few days to clear up after him ~ being a man he uses every utensil in the kitchen and leaves a trail of destruction for someone else ~ ME to clear!)
We had M&S cauliflower cheese with M&S potato gratin, with thinly sliced steak cooked on a raclette. There was enough left over for a 3rd person albeit a smallish person lol. The point is we didn't eat it all and it was 2 person packs. As anybody knows Marks 2 portion packs are not enough for 2 people unless they're 7 and they're too much for one! So for 2 people to eat AND leave was I thought very good.
I did have 1 and a half small glasses of lemonade but it's ok cos I was good with the dinner!
Had a nectarine for dessert (OMG!!!!!!!!)
Woke up as usual (Thank G~d for that really!) I was back to my 2 weetabix but for some reason I didn't have coffee
Lunch we took himself to Nandos for his bday lunch and whilst they were scoffing half chickens I had a ¼ chicken with fries and corn! I left some of the chicken, some of the fries AND half the corn cob! I did have a diet coke but only because the children got the drinks. When I went up to refill I had iced water.
No-one had dessert. When we got home I did pop a chocolate disc but more cos the pack was there and open , but I only had the one! Think I'm finding I'm not enjoying chocolate as much as I used to or the diet coke!
Strange that used to is only a week ago, how strange and how peculiar the mind is Adrian did say you wouldn't miss things after 2 weeks but he lied!!!
I can't believe that this is me after a week free of biscuits (can you count a 1/3?) a week free of crisps (totally! ~ Walkers will be announcing record losses if this goes on!) a week free of diet coke (can you count it if A) you didn't enjoy it and B) it was only a teeny % of what used to be your daily intake?)
Dinner I had a sandwich (oatilicious bread Adrian!) spread with "pourable sunshine" instead of butter, thinly sliced ham a pre sliced piece of Jarlesburg cheese and tomato ~ very delicious it was too!
Just had a mug of Horlicks (light Adrian!) made with skimmed milk, because it's soooooo cold in the house as the heating is broken. Roll on tomorrow.
Today I decided I wouldn't have the old Weetabix I had straw mattresses instead! I enjoyed them but, I think that for me Weetabix is more filling. I've started to think about food more which is unsettling, I'm putting it down to being pre menstrual and I know that all my thin friends have hormonal urges too so I'm not going to worry too much if I go "off track" at this time but will keep an eye on it that it doesn't get out of hand!
I have discovered that sweet things make me want more sweet things and it is quite difficult to fight the urge. But it's only natural I suppose after all I did just eat it when I wanted it without thinking. Now I'm thinking and I'm finding that I think sweet is addictive in a way I didn't know!
Must be down to those sugar highs and lows which I didn't think I suffered from! Oh you naughty food industry!!!
Added to that I think I have to say I hate Adrian right now! I pinched a choc out of the big b/day box we got the boys father for his b/day, EWWWWW it was sooo sweet and disgusting. Oh my face was pulling some awful shapes. Maybe I won't be addicted to sweet things anymore. Eww!! Even the memory is putting me into sugar overload!
Well himself has decided that today must be chutney making as there is a glut of tomatoes. Guess who's making it?
God! The kitchen sticks of cooking vinegar lol.
Good news! We have heat! It's sooo warm now.
Lunch is tuna fish and I've polished off the whole can (in brine!) on 3 crackers, I was hungry. Still no crisps or coke which is good for me as I was the queen of diet coke!.
Testing the chutney is proving fatal the juice is divine. Ahh but I forget the cooking rule! Calories ingested whilst tasting during food preparation are exempt!! It's truuuuuuue!!!! I can dream lol. 10 jars of chutney later ..but I had a disaster! Whilst making the chilli jam the phone rang and instead of chilli jam I actually have chilli toffee ~ it's very nice actually, very sweet and blow your mind hot! Will have to start again another day. I can't deseed another 30 chillies without latex gloves ~ my hands are so sore. Upside of that is I can't hold anything so dinner was a very small portion lol
Meatballs (4 small) and some rice I didn't have the teriyaki sauce.
No evening snacking which is extremely good!
Went back to Weetabix for breakfast and my coffee but only put 1 ½ tsps in so slowly cutting down on the sugar. Am staying well away from chillies til my hands are less sore.
Lunch today was a sandwich made with a slice of cheese and wafer thin ham on oatbread! With a bottle of sparkling water!
No snacking so far! Think I must be losing weight just on not snacking alone lol In all honesty I have to say I don't really miss the snacking at all. I think in the end it's just something you do to keep your hands busy. Making I should take up knitting or crochet? NAH!!!
I am listening to the cd not sure which is my favourite yet. Mainly because I can't really remember them about 10 minutes after it's finished!
One thing I'm realising is that Adrian (clever dick!) does have all of my (and everybody else) thinking off pat, when he says that we may think we're doing it all on our own.
I'm thinking about eating something and make another choice or decide I don't want it and I think well I did that, I made that choice! But at least I have the choice now. Before there was no choice, it's such a stupid illogical thing to say when I say that I know it sounds so ..I'm not even sure what word to use ~ my choice would possibly be helpless. I was helpless when it came to making that choice because I'd conditioned or been condition to just put food in my mouth. Now when I eat I do enjoy it more. It's such a silly thing to say how can you enjoy food more when you're eating less.
I've always enjoyed food but I suppose it was a means to an end, it's still a means to an end but I can be slower, taste it more enjoy it more and be full and enjoy that without that bluech, bloated, eaten too much feeling.
1 point to Adrian (siiiighh!!)
Today was never going to be a good day when I realised that something I had been looking forward to was not going to happen. I was surprised how quickly I thought about using food as an escape at the first "bad" thing to happen.
Breakfast was some chocolate cereal, now you to bear in mind I haven't had chocolate in any quantity for almost 2 weeks. Comfort food is so alluring.
So I took my bowl of lovely choccy choccy filled pillows of yumminess into the lounge to sit and indulge my misery.
I hate you Adrian Mathams, goodness me it was sooo sweet I nearly gagged however I persevered and ate it but didn't enjoy it or the feeling I had when I'd finished! That's ok I need this I'm miserable.
So I had a midmorning snack of a packet of my favourite Kettle chips and a can of ...DIET COKE yaaaayyyyy.
Again I have to say OMG. Oh they were disgusting and don't get me started on the diet coke.
I can't even enjoy my misery any more.
So I put my sensible head back on and shook myself and said ok so you're miserable suck it up! The stuff you used to eat you can't even stomach anymore so what's the point in even trying to eat it?
So lunch was a grilled bacon sandwich made with 1 slice of bread and you know what? I really enjoyed it! I fell off the wagon and I didn't like it.
Dinner was another funny one! I made stuffed mushrooms, with pork chops topped with bbq sauce, topped with stove top stuffing, potatoes and veg.
First of all there were too many chops. Normally I would cook them all and dish them all up and stuff everyone or waste them. Tonight I did one per person and put the others in the fridge for Thursday. On to the stuffing, now I adore this stuffing and can eat it on it's own but today although I had a nibble I topped the chops and put the rest in the fridge for Thursday! WHAT is going on here??
Potatoes: I gave myself 2 very small pieces of potato, fed everyone and before I had mine went off to do something!.
When I came back I had 1 potato!! Now 1 plate had left the kitchen with 5 and the other with 6. So I went in and said ok who had my potato when I only had 2 anyway?. Oh says Himself that was me sorry. Hang on I said you had 6 I only had 2 and you took 1.
Oh well says he it won't do you any harm! ~ Would you like to eat the rest of it ~ it would do me even less harm then! Nah you're alright says he!!
Just to spite him I didn't even eat the potato he'd left me with! GRRRR!!!!
So although I did go off track it wasn't enjoyable nor did it have the desired effect. The crisps were so oily and greasy and just plain inedible (even though I forced myself to eat them ~ for science you understand!). I got back on track and hopefully the next time I feel like that I will now know that the old fixes just simply don't work anymore! 1 point to Adrian I guess grrr!
Back on the old Weetabix again and, surprisingly, happy to be here.
Let's see what the day brings
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